Man....

Lord this song, Who am I with the lyrics
"Not because of who I am but because of who you are.."
I cant believe Lord I have moved one big circle, starting with jiaxuan and eventually now am still worried about relationships with jinghan, but Lord, really only you can give and you can take. Really lord, if as a consequence of my ex relationship with jiaxuan is making jinghan uncomfortable, then Lord you can take it away so that she doesnt feel the pain or hurt that is necessary for her.

Lord only by grace have i been able to have such a relationship with her, of course lord i ask for that same grace to move our relationship to the next stage, but if its not your will then lord, I tell you now, I am ready to let it go.

My heart deeply will always say this, jinghan should be joyful and i should not cause her such pains but Lord if its for her to learn something from it, then let her learn. I am truly blessed lord that at least we have such a close friendship and I thank you for being so kind to me and asking her to be nicer to me.

Who am I lord that you look on me with love. Who am I lord that the voice that calms the sea will call out through the rain and calm these storms I have inside of me..
I love you Lord, without you I am nothing.

Going forward, this blog will be my personal letters to you Father.

I guess I will always post in this obscure journal whenever I feel tired about everything? hhaah

imagine, i let go of a gf because it was not going right and its always due to some factors i will never control, be it her family or her friends or even her own lack of desire to push through and eventually say it was possible if i have proposed..

it hurts like hell when my own friends can come to terms of what transcended and i initiated the break up cos i lost the love i had for her and and yet i get dirty stares from her colleagues and her friend..

how fair is this Lord, last time girls left me and i didnt even blame them.. yes i was angry but i let it go that all was in Your will..

and now i chose to say Lord since you tell me its time to go on and move on, I let her go and instead got such stares from her friends.. do they or will they ever know what made me choose that decision.. maybe they wont but i guess it doesnt matter Lord,

Ps 23, you will give me a meal in the presence of my enemies.. I am not angry with her or her friends. I just felt that i have been unnecessarily maligned.. I dont wish to lose this ex gf as a friend either so Lord please teach me how to handle this..

I have already said sorry to her for shouting at her, so Lord be my teacher and father in this time ..

I am so freaking sick of all these difficulties in my life.. the other girl well she too has displayed odd behaviour so I guess I wont aim to change anything of that either...

Tired..

God you are stronger.. No one is more in control of my life then you..No matter what people perceive of me Lord, Jesus you are Lord of all.
Forgive me for my sins Lord for I didnt handle this well. Teach me to be moe like you because Lord you have thought me what it means to believe you. I have fallen and now I am lost.

Thank you for giving me this impact because with that I would never have learnt to really trust you. I never wanted to hurt any of them but I obviously did and thus have done all i logically can but now i need you to spiritually do what i cant do.

Its just nice to say this to you Lord without anyone reading .. its just my letter to you.. First of my many letters.. Lord you said that all have sin and fallen short of the glory of God and I for one have fallen way short but I will continue to depend upon you..

I love you Lord.

For you.. =)

I know you like this song =0)

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need them again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere

I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not somebody just to get me through the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

I know now its feb 2008 and I dont usually blog.. and I am not blogging now either.. :)

Just for that person.. read these lyrics..

Realise

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is. Crashing down on in.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it to.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder
Just realized what I just realized

Today I felt that it has been 1.5 weeks since a day where I was put into a test...
Alot of thoughts went into my head.. I went out with my colleagues for some company party.. ate dinner there and many of us drank.. me being sick for a month I drank non alcoholic.. but did drink at the end.
Some thoughts came into my mind.. What did I love for when appreciation seems a distant future.. No matter... we will always 500 miles.. And in the end.. what do we love and have hope for?

My cell member talked to me for a moment and I made him realise that he is matured enough to handle the situations in his life.. People always judge but in the end only He can truly judge us for He is the pure one..

God please guide him always..

For myself well... I dont know my situations.. all i can say is please Lord hold me to what my principles are no matter how things change..

Thank you Lord..

The song 500 miles remind me of my duties..
When I wake up well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
When I go out yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with youIf I get drunk well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
And if I haver yeah I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's havering to youBut I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your doorWhen I'm working yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's working hard for you
And when the money comes in for the work I'll do
I'll pass almost every penny on to youWhen I come home oh I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you
And if I grow old well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with youBut I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your doorna na na, na na na
na na na, na na na
lika lika lika lika lika la
na na na, na na na
na na na, na na na
lika lika lika lika lika laWhen I'm lonely well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man whose lonely without you
And when I'm dreaming well I know I'm gonna dream
I'm gonna dream about the time when I'm with youWhen I go out well I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
and when I come home yes I know I'm gonna be
I'm gonna be the man who comes back home with you
I'm gonna be the man whose coming home with you.But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your doorna na na, na na na
na na na, na na na
lika lika lika lika lika la
na na na, na na na
na na na, na na na
lika lika lika lika lika la
na na na, na na na
na na na, na na na
lika lika lika lika lika la
na na na, na na na
na na na, na na na
lika lika lika lika lika laBut I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles
To fall down at your do-o-or

This is for you...

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain
to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

its been 6 months since I last posted

SO many things has happened and alot will still be happening..

Wonder why does this world seems to have a logic so differing from what God gave..

yet if we took a step back and looked at our predecessors, you realise that we keep going in this circle.. so stupid humans are.. always thinking of re inventing the wheel..

always thinking that we know everything and know how to handle our lives well..

really I don't think I know anything at all and I dont think I can handle it well...
Regrets are terrible things... We regret cause we feel that we made a mistake and that leads to that feeling..

Well nothing much to say but time heals some wounds... Wounds are painful but the scars they leave teach us something and thats all that matters.

We learn everyday... I want back that love and my home...

Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
Mmmmmmmm

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Ok I dont know how many people are actually still reading my blog but after chatting with some senior guys in my bank, I have finally settled down on what I really want to do in this banking industry..

Its not pricing its not structuring.. but its really just quantitative researcher..

I wonder if it has really changed from what I have said long ago.. I noticed not really.. Maybe cos I was not certain what a structurer do .. but now I know what a quants do and thats all that makes me excited..

Guess this road I chose is the path that He has placed me.. I wont know what you want me to do in the future Lord but I know that its near to what I really enjoy.. and that is Maths..

:)

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little f****d up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

Interesting song....

Take a step back and look around.. how many people are in this situation.. so lost in this world... and all they want is someone to comfort them and to soothe them when they are alone..

Today after spending time with someone whom i care alot i have decided that I will do all I can to make that person never to feel lonely..